The Real Secret to Resiliency

I was at a Fortune 50 company yesterday, giving their sales team a speech about saving your asks. One of the questions was: “When everything seems to be going wrong, how do you create momentum for yourself? When you don't hear back from those people that you're reaching out to, and nothing seems to be working.”

The two-hour rule

And my immediate response was, “I go to my two hour rule.” I give myself two hours to dig out of the setback and to start flexing my resiliency. Because resiliency is a muscle. And I built that muscle by refusing to dwell on the downturn, whether it’s the $10,000 plumbing bill I just got for fixing an emergency leak in my house, or not getting a big speech, or not winning a piece of business, or writing my book when the pandemic hit. 

All of these events have filled me with fear, and the only way to get out of that mindset of fear is to create connection and momentum with others. 

So within those two hours of my two-hour rule, I create enough momentum and connection with others to offset the loss, whatever it is. I call this drumming it up. Sometimes I drum it up too much, right? When I get into these places of scarcity and fear, sometimes I'll drum it up so much that like the next three weeks I'm on nonstop calls. Suddenly I’m booked for a whole bunch of speeches. Finding the middle ground can be hard in a world that’s moving forever, but I keep it in check by making sure these are authentic connections. 

The way I’m wired, progress is happiness and joy, and I also recognize that progress sometimes begins from becoming vulnerable and sitting with the difficult emotions to keep developing the resiliency muscle. This is something I’m trying to instill in my two daughters. Right now, my 12-year old is going through seventh grade drama, and has a crush on a boy. It’s called a crush for a reason—it’s crushing her ego and emotions. And it’s tempting to step in and make everything okay. But I know deep down she’s developing the resiliency muscle that will be so important all her life.

Growing new branches

Resiliency can also come from having side projects to generate progress for the times when our day jobs are stagnant or personal matters becoming draining. 

Last spring, I met Bart Foster, the founder and CEO of Business Outside, during a retreat in Boulder, Colorado. We were on a hike and he asked us to imagine our lives as a tree.  For each branch of the tree, there’s some catalyst that allows them to grow. Whether it’s choosing a new job or finding a hobby or connecting with a partner, said Foster, we should think about one person who served as the catalyst for growth. Send a video text message, he said, simply thanking them. Watch what happens. 

I’ve been practicing this, and I’ve discovered that not only are you bringing light and gratitude to the people who have been so imperative to your journey, you’re also creating momentum for yourself around this authentic connection. And these authentic connections can be hard to see when we’re in a fear mindset. It’s truly amazing to see what happens when you reach out with the desired outcome just being connection!

I’ve written about video text messaging before—because it works, especially if you do it for someone who’s had a profound impact on your life. You’re rekindling a relationship that may have gone dormant, and you’re rewarding someone for the impact they’ve made. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to send a video text message to someone you want business from. You send it out into the universe as a way of gratitude. 

The secret to resiliency isn’t toughening up. It’s becoming vulnerable, and grateful, and connecting with others. When everything seems to be going wrong, recognize the fear you’re feeling, and look at the tree of your life to find a different branch for growth.